Throughout my life, I've only had three major fears. When I was little, I was scared of bugs/spiders. As I grew up, I learned more about them and realized it was an irrational fear.
I developed a fear of the ocean for a few years, after nearly drowning when I was in middle school. It wasn't an intense phobia or anything like that. I could still go to the beach and even go in the water. I just couldn't go in too far, and I definitely couldn't put my head under water.
It took until the summer of 2006 for me to really get over my fear. I went to the beach with Marianne and Kristi, on the hottest day of that year. It was so unbearable, I pretty much forced myself into the water. I'm still not much of an ocean-lover, because it's usually too cold or grimy, but I'm happy to get that fear out of the way.
I suppose the most rational of my fears would be one most people share: the fear of death. And I don't mean dead things (like in the picture), or the fear of going to "hell". Ever since I was little, I was terrified of my family, friends, pets, or even myself, dying.
The fear intensified as I stopped believing in god. I couldn't handle the concept of no longer existing, for the rest of eternity. I read a lot of books and theories, trying to find peace of mind. I read Spook by Mary Roach, the same woman who wrote my favorite book, Stiff. In it, she tackles the whole after-life question. She investigates different religions, scientific studies, even tries to find a shred of validity in séances. The book left me disappointed, though. Just as I had suspected, there was no answer at the end.
So why am I describing this fear in the past-tense? There is no for sure answer to what happens when we're worm food. But I've found a theory that makes sense to me, and does offer some comfort:
The Cyclic Universe.
Here is another good article to help explain this theory. In a nutshell, the theory hypothesizes that the universe goes through an ongoing cycle of expansion and contraction. The cycle starts (though it would never really have a beginning or an end) with the Big Bang, sending out every bit of matter and energy that exists in the universe.
The solar system, stars, planets, everything in existence occurs out of that big explosion. Time proceeds as we understand it. The earth forms, changes, and reaches the point at which we know it today. There is a brief window, during which we are consciously alive (my doodle is clearly not to scale).
After our death, things will continue. At some point, it is certain that the earth will be destroyed. We don't know when, or how, but it will certainly happen. Let's assume the planets in our solar system meet their demise when our sun burns out.
Things will continue on. Matter will continue to exist. Every atom that once made up your body, your home, your country, your world -- it's still there. It's just careening through space. Soon all the other planets will break down, along with the stars. Energy and particles will disperse throughout the universe. Each clump of matter will break down into individual molecules, then into atoms, then into mere sub-atomic particles.
So then what? The theory explains:
Two parallel orbifold planes or M-branes collide periodically in a higher dimensional space. The visible four-dimensional universe lies on one of these branes. The collisions correspond to a reversal from contraction to expansion, or a big crunch followed immediately by a big bang. The matter and radiation we see today were generated during the most recent collision in a pattern dictated by quantum fluctuations created before the branes. Eventually, the universe reached the state we observe today, before beginning to contract again many billions of years in the future. Dark energy corresponds to a force between the branes, and serves the crucial role of solving the monopole, horizon, and flatness problems. Moreover the cycles can continue indefinitely into the past and the future, and the solution is an attractor, so it can provide a complete history of the universe.
- Paul J. Steinhardta and Neil Turokc
So why does this model make sense to me? Well, according to the most basic scientific principles, matter can neither be created nor destroyed. So how can we mark a point in time as the beginning? Every tiny sub-atomic particle (electrons, quarks, string theory, etc.) that exists today, has always existed, and will always exist. There is no point of creation, no point of complete demise. Everything will just undergo massive amounts of change.
OK, fine, but what does that mean for me as a human-being? Well, that's up for interpretation. I believe that trillions of years after I die, the universe will undergo another massive contraction/expansion, creating another Big Bang. Because the laws of quantum mechanics and general relativity remain the same, the particles that explode out of the Big Bang will do so in the exact same manner, every time.
The solar system, stars, planets... everything will form again. The dinosaurs will come and go. World Wars will rage. In the human year of 1987, I will be born. I will live for however many years. When I die, the neurons in my brain will cease to function, and my consciousness will end.
The trillions of years between this cycle and the next will pass in the blink of an eye, since my brain will no longer function. Your consciousness is a brief window into this ever-repeating cycle.
This theory isn't perfect, but no theory is (hence the term "theory"). In 2012, there will be more evidence available involving the study of "dark matter". It could rip this theory apart, or make it more sold. I guess we'll just wait and see.